Who Are You When You’re Not Being the Person They Need?

A while ago, I came across a video that caught me a little off guard. Stephanie Perry, a YouTuber whose channel focuses on Black women taking career breaks, traveling long-term or moving abroad, looked her viewers straight in the face and said: “I don’t care about your purpose. Live your dream.”

At first, I thought, “Huh? Why wouldn’t we care about our purpose? After all, it’s what gives us meaning.”

But the more I listened, the more she began to speak to me.

“I think Black women have done enough operating within our purpose to the detriment of our own dreams. If you have a purpose in life, okay. But how do you dream? … Too many times Black women get the message to be for others more than you are for yourself. Show up for others in a way that you don’t show up for yourself. Sacrifice for yourself in order to pour into others. I’ve opted out,” she said.

I got it. So many times, when I hear Black women (myself included) talk about our “purpose,” it’s almost always centered around helping others or making a difference.

There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. But sometimes, we get so caught up in nurturing, fixing, serving or bettering the world that we forget our dreams.

I felt what Stephanie was saying, but before I jumped all in, I got an expert’s take on the topic.

Purpose vs. Dreams: Why It Feels So Complicated

Turns out, we don’t have to choose purpose or dreams. Brandi Pritchett-Johnson, Ph.D. (Dr. Brandi), a licensed psychologist and founder of The Diane Morgan Group, based in Detroit, says it’s all about how we look at it.

“We tend to believe that dreams are a fantasy and purpose is an obligation or duty,” she says. But that’s not quite right. “Dreams are ideals that we deem aspirational. Purpose, on the other hand, is quite literally the reason for our existence,” she explains.

There’s a reason for the confusion, especially for Black women. “We have been conditioned to believe that our usefulness and the way we accommodate or care for others are what make us desirable and valuable,” Dr. Brandi explains.

But when purpose feels like an obligation or requires you always to sacrifice yourself for others, it can be too much. “Internally, we experience burnout, exhaustion, and mental and emotional fatigue,” says Dr. Brandi. “Relationally, it’s a breeding ground for resentment, passive-aggressiveness and isolation.”

Not to mention (and I’m speaking for myself), shelving your dreams because you think your purpose is to serve others chips away at your happiness.