Self-Care
What Do I Need?
This four-word question has helped me stop putting everyone before myself
Ana Latese
I’ve been very open about my tendency to be a people pleaser. Though I’ve gotten better, it still happens more than I’d like. So, I’m always looking for tips to help me stop being a softie.
Recently, I came across advice from Meg Josephson, a licensed clinical social worker and author of Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. She says a big step in ending people-pleasing is asking yourself, “What do I need?”
My first thought? Yeah right. It sounded too simple.
According to Josephson, fight, flight and freeze aren’t the only responses to danger or stress. She says another one is called fawning, which means trying to appease or please others to feel safe. Even if there’s no real danger, our brains may treat emotional stuff like wanting to be liked or fear of upsetting someone as a threat.
I recognize many fawning behaviors in myself. I’m usually too focused on other people’s happiness. I say yes way too quickly. I try my hardest to keep the peace. And I push myself to the back burner.
If you know, you know. Putting others first all the time is draining. And it can make you feel like you’ve lost yourself. So, if asking this question might help, it’s worth a shot.
The quick self-check
If you’ve been people pleasing for a while, it’s likely become an automatic response. Josephson says pausing to ask “What do I need?” can help rewrite that default reaction. It helps bring the focus back to you so you don’t autopilot your way into burnout and resentment.
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Asking the question in the moment may make you feel weird, selfish or even mean. But Josephson points out that constantly neglecting your needs isn’t self-kindness. She also reminds us it’s not our job to manage or fix other people’s moods.
Josephson says one way to figure out what you need is to pay attention to what your emotions are telling you. If you feel uneasy, that may be your emotions’ way of saying you don’t really want to do that favor. Asking “What do I need?” might roll into other questions like “What would I rather be doing?” or “What do I think about this?” Maybe you’d rather catch up on a show than hang out with friends that night. Or in a discussion, you might realize you disagree and don’t want to just go along with whatever the others say.
Putting it into practice
Josephson’s advice came in handy when someone asked me to do treats for her kid’s party. I wanted to help but felt iffy about it. My subconscious was ringing alarm bells. This person is one of those who always expects too much for free.
When I paused and asked, “What do I need?” the answer was clear: I needed to protect my time. Instead of saying yes and getting pissed when she asked for more and more, I explained what I was and wasn’t willing to do. Everything went well because I focused on my needs first.
Since then, I’ve made it a point to check on myself before I act, speak or respond.
I won’t say this question has completely gotten rid of my habit of prioritizing others over myself. But it’s a useful tool. Pausing to ask, “What do I need?” keeps you from jumping to your usual people-pleasing ways. I plan to keep asking the question until putting my needs first becomes my new default.
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