Self-Care
The Words That Help You Own Your Worth
Simple communication upgrades for anyone ready to stop overexplaining, over-apologizing and undercutting what they bring to the room.
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There was a time when my children routinely followed me onto the screen each time I had a work-related video meeting. And my “apology” would soon follow, despite my ability to meaningfully contribute. This continued for five years, until both my children were in full-day school. One day, I had a virtual meeting with a father whose daughter kept appearing on screen. He never apologized for it. Nor should he. Like me, he was still getting the job done, and his child’s cameo didn’t stop it.
That’s when I realized I was doing myself a disservice by downplaying my efforts with each apology. It was all for the sake of being likable and protecting my image. This is not just something many women do at work; it can show up when we’re chairing the usher board, organizing the family reunion, serving on a committee, advocating for a loved one with health care providers or trying to make a simple request without sounding like a problem.
Who could blame me? Likability is an asset in the workplace, often dictating raises, project leaders and promotions. When 300,000 Black women were pushed out of their jobs within the last year, it became clear that Black women are far from safe, even if they are good at the job. Beyond that, frequent microaggressions can lead to worries about being seen as a threat.
The result? Feeling compelled to downplay our knowledge, avoid confrontations and sugarcoat messaging for the sake of protecting jobs, peace and reputation. But when social skills are considered a valuable asset and appearing capable is a key distinction, sheepish communication can be a setback when making moves.
I came to this lesson by reading widely, asking experts better questions and listening closely, as an interviewer, to people who carry authority in boardrooms, creative fields, community spaces and everyday life. Over time, I started noticing how often confidence showed up in the smallest language choices.
Small swaps, stronger presence
Now may be a good time for you to consider how your communication can better reflect your dynamic presence. These ideas offer a starting point as you practice speaking with more confidence and power, wherever your voice matters.
Resist saying: “This is silly, but…”
Raise your hand if you’re guilty of downplaying your excellence with one of these qualifiers: “Does that make sense?” “In my opinion…” “I think maybe…” or “This is silly, but…”
Well, if you’re trying to level up in your career or, at the very least, keep your job, you need to stop that immediately. Each of those statements welcomes uncertainty and gives people a reason to question your competency. Meanwhile, we aren’t just competent. We are highly qualified, exemplifying emotional intelligence alongside agility — thanks in part to constant reminders that we need to be twice as good and work twice as hard.
You shouldn’t be the one to devalue your messaging and presence, explains Ashley Rudolph, a performance coach who works with high-achieving professionals and previously held leadership roles in tech. The absence of conviction can undermine the message, your authority and the impact of the point you are trying to make. That’s not exactly beneficial, considering 50% of women report being spoken over, and 20% are mistaken for someone at a lower level, according to a 2025 McKinsey & Company study.
Consider saying instead: “Based on my experience…”
Swap those phrases out with ones that make your credibility undeniable, such as “It’s recommended…” “Based on my experience…” and “Should I elaborate further?”
Consider it a healthy sprinkle of authority. “Otherwise, it comes across as not being able to make my points and relying on someone else for confirmation,” says Rudolph.
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Resist saying: “I hate to spring this on you…”
You may not think you’re a burden to everyone around you. But saying phrases like “I hate to bother you” may lead everyone to believe it, whether you like it or not. Add “Sorry, but one more thing…” or “Sorry for changing…,” and you may accidentally solidify your “insignificance.”
That’s because downplaying your needs in these situations is dangerously close to diminishing your existence.
Sure, prefacing your requests with an apology may start as a show of respect, but it ends with disrespecting yourself in the process. That makes it easier for others to overlook and disrespect you, too.
Consider saying instead: “This time no longer works. Are you available at…”
Stick to the facts and act as if you belong there. Don’t make it easier for others to justify overlooking your existence. The power move is to focus on the goal of the conversation rather than perceived inconveniences. Avoid justifying what you need to do your job efficiently. No sugarcoating necessary.
Remove unnecessary context and address your intent directly, says Kimberly Brown, a career and leadership strategist and author of Next Move, Best Move: Transitioning Into a Career You’ll Love. “I’m a big believer in less is more and not asking for permission.” They don’t always need to know the reason. Nor do you have to apologize for life, she stressed. This is especially true for caregivers who may warrant flexibility.
For example, stating, “Today at 10:00 no longer works. Are you able to meet tomorrow at nine or two?” clearly dictates what you need.
Though apologizing may seem necessary, there’s no way to tell how that apology will be perceived. Ask yourself whether the apology will be respected or perceived as another negative on the list, along with being a woman, being sensitive or not being confident, Brown explains. “You don’t need to apologize for the accommodations needed for doing your job.”
Resist saying: “That’s above my pay grade.”
It’s not uncommon for employees to be asked to do something that falls beyond their job title or experience. Still, it’s probably not the best time to make it known that you are not “boo boo the fool” and definitely not “one of their little friends.” But that’s how some people will take it if you choose to say anything close to “That’s above my pay grade” or “That’s not my job.”
That phrase can be interpreted as combative and doesn’t provide favorable optics for the person delivering it, warns Rudolph. Communicating boundaries is important, but there are better ways to share that you will not take one for the team.
Consider saying instead: “This warrants manager approval.”
You’re better off with a response that details the issue with the specific request, followed by an alternative solution: “Given the scope of the project, it’s not appropriate for me to take this action. It warrants the approval of the manager or further discussion with…”
Both phrases communicate what you aren’t willing to do. However, the former phrase is a conversation ender. Meanwhile, the latter statement exemplifies confidence in your position while acknowledging your role in the office hierarchy without shutting down dialogue.
Resist saying: “I’ve been losing sleep getting this done. You’re asking too much…”
Playing “victim Olympics” is all fun and games until you’ve victimized yourself out of opportunities.
Bragging about your workload or how stressed you are is a common strategy to connect with colleagues. Or some might do it to cement their status as “highly important.”
The truth? Stress-bragging isn’t doing any favors, even if it’s on-trend. It could actually be harmful to how people perceive you. The goal may be to humanize or hype yourself up, but the result is appearing more incompetent and unlikable, according to a 2024 study from the University of Georgia. It may also welcome chaos as an office norm.
Consider saying instead: “This will take a lot, but I can manage by…”
You don’t have to fake the funk to avoid accidentally glorifying hustle culture. Discussing your stress intentionally can make you more relatable and offer a sense of comfort.
The key is to emphasize control over chaos. Sharing the source of your stress, followed by possible solutions, is much better than dumping your stress and running.
Think, “Attending another conference is a lot to manage with a project deadline looming, so I’ll aim to attend one session and connect with xxx for other notes.”
And steer clear of, “Looks like another sleepless night. Adding another event to an already packed schedule is asking too much. My plate is already full.”
Resist saying: “I know the suggested strategy will never work. Change it to…”
Whether team leads, consultants or associate employees, people respond more favorably when tasks are discussed and not directed. So, in some circumstances, it’s best to avoid “I” statements, says Brown.
Consider saying instead: “Together, let’s explore…”
Collaborative language is your friend. People like feeling supported rather than dictated to or overruled. “Let’s explore” or “Your feedback is welcome” will give the impression of a strong team player rather than a tyrant. It signals flexible thinking and the ability to value other opinions.
Practice before the moment arrives
Of course, these communication changes may not happen immediately. It’s also important to note that there’s a fine line between adjusting your speech to amplify your power and masking in a way that’s detrimental to your well-being. Being mindful about eliminating devaluing speech takes practice, something that’s often ignored, according to Brown. “We don’t plan for tough conversations in the workplace. We will just walk into the conversation and hope that everything’s fine,” she said. “We will negotiate our salary for the first time, and we’ve never said the number out loud. We don’t wing it in other areas, but in the workplace, we’ll just see what happens.”
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