This Three-Word Shift Brings the Gift of Uplift

A couple of months ago, I was having lunch with a friend. As usual, the conversation took a negative turn before our food even arrived. She started off talking about some work drama, then politics and then her “way too sad” dating life. I love her dearly, but I guess you could call her a negaholic, meaning her perspective tends to veer to the bottle mostly empty side.

The food was good, but I left the restaurant feeling drained and empty, not full and refreshed.

Later, I realized the issue. For a while now, I’ve felt like all I see and hear is negativity. Politics. The economy. Racism. Crime. Climate and weather issues. Global conflicts. It’s everywhere. On TV. In the headlines. Up and down our social media feeds. Even everyday conversations sometimes feel like we’re all waiting for that next bad thing.

When I tell you, it feels like our whole world (or at least our side of the pond) is drowning in chaos and bad news, I mean it.  Sometimes, I feel like there’s a huge gray cloud looming over us, just waiting to burst.

Sheesh. Now and then, I want to hear good news.

Well, in my search, I came across some information from the Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) at the University of California, Berkeley. According to its experts, there’s a way to hear more positive news: ask people for it.

When someone shares good news, they get to relive that positive experience. As the listener, you may get a lift, too, through what’s known as sympathetic joy. That shared moment of positivity can strengthen your connection and make the relationship feel more satisfying.

In other words, we don’t just have to put up with the constant negativity being slung around. If we put our curiosity to use, it can bring out the lighter, happier side of people.

Three words: “What’s good, Sis?”

Usually, when people share good news with me, they just kind of tell me. I don’t think I had ever specifically asked anyone, “Anything good going on in your life right now?” Even thinking about it made me feel like I would sound weird and suspicious.

But I tried it.

And who better to start with than my friend who gets into negative spirals? The next time we met for lunch, I told her about my “asking for good news” experiment and then burst out with the Chaka Khan and Rufus “tell me something good” line.

Baby, it was like a rainbow had come down and unleashed a brilliant light upon us. She got excited and told me she’d landed a really big client for her company. It set the tone for our conversation, keeping it positive throughout the meal.

This time, after our lunch date, I was floating and energized. I know she was, too.

I had to use this question with other people, of course.

Here are some tips I picked up:

• Play around with your wording. I switched it up depending on who I asked. Sometimes it was casual: “Anything good happening in your world lately?” Other times, it was more playful: “You look really happy today! What’s got you smiling so hard?” I even used “What’s something that made you smile today?” with a few people I had just met. Surprisingly, they all were willing to share.
• Appreciate the little things too. The positive experiences people share don’t have to be only the huge ones. I had a very memorable conversation with a stranger whose good news was that he had “the” best lasagna at a nearby restaurant.
• Be genuine. Once, I asked someone to share good news just for experimental reasons. I wasn’t really engaged. And I’m sure they picked up on it because halfway through, their story got less enthusiastic. I felt so bad. Lesson learned: Only ask if you’re truly interested in the answer.
• Read the room. The GGSC says it’s important to think about your approach and timing when asking others about positive events. If someone’s been going through it or their body language screams “don’t want to be bothered,” it’s probably not a good time.
• Don’t force positivity. Avoid pressuring people or expecting them always to dish out something good. That’s toxic positivity, which Psychology Today says means having (or expecting others to have) a “good vibes only” mindset while ignoring or dismissing any negative emotions. Everyone has ups and downs. Let people feel their feelings.