Self-Care
7 Things to Ask Instead of “How Are You?”
If you hate fake conversations, try these seven prompts to get past “I’m fine” and uncover a genuine, more rewarding connection.
AARP
If you’re like most people, your go-to greeting when meeting someone new or seeing someone you haven’t seen in a while is likely “how are you?” But if you think about it, that question is a conversation stopper. I mean, how can a person really respond to it other than “I’m good” or “Fine”? It’s more of a routine nicety rather than a true question.
Shuntai Allen-Bey, a licensed professional counselor who serves Michigan and several other states, says the problem with “how are you” is that it’s all habit. “People ask ‘how are you’ on autopilot, and people respond on autopilot with, ‘Oh, I’m fine, even if they aren’t,’” she says.
Asking something different can open the door for more interesting and meaningful conversations. If you want to move beyond the generic “how are you? I’m fine” script, try one of these questions instead.
1. “What kind of day are you having?”
The wording here feels lighter and less like you’re asking how everything — health, family, work, finances — is going in their life. It asks from a different angle, so people are more likely to be honest and open, Allen-Bey says.
2. “What made you smile today?”
Asking this question will likely make someone think and respond positively. “If not, at least the person’s going to tell you truly how they feel,” says Allen-Bey. If they say nothing made them smile, you could ask, “Why is that? Tell me about your day.” But the expert warns: it’s not up to you to fix their day or make them smile.
3. “Hey, what’s your theme song for today?”
Here’s one that my music-loving neighbor asks. It threw me the first time, but now I love it. This question lets people express themselves with a little more flavor, not just “happy,” “bummed,” or “okay.” If my confidence is super high, I might say my song is “Ego” by Beyoncé. I’ve also had days where my answer was “No More Drama” by Mary J. Blige. Our song choices usually lead to a quick chat about why we picked them.
Get the Must-Read Newsletter That Celebrates Black Women
Sign up for the free weekly newsletter with the latest stories, expert advice, community updates, and more.
4. If you had to describe your week in one word, what would it be?
Allen-Bey recommends this one because it makes people reflect on their week. It also tends to steer them away from “fine.” I’ve gotten answers like “busy,” “bumpy,” and “magical.” Even if someone gives a not-so-good word like “bland” or “terrible,” it doesn’t mean the talk has to be over (but read the room). You could acknowledge their response with something like, “I hear you.” Then, if it feels right, Allen-Bey says you could ask, “What do you think could help next week be different?” But again, she reminds you: Don’t try to be a fixer.
5. What are you looking forward to today/this week/this weekend/this month?
This kind of question makes people feel good. “It’s like, ‘Wow, they’re truly interested in me and how I feel, what’s coming up next in my life, what I got going on,’” explains Allen-Bey. “It invites further conversation and more connection.”
6. How is _____ going?
Maybe they previously mentioned a home project, a new side hustle or an upcoming event. Ask this question. According to Allen-Bey, it shows that you really listened during a past conversation. People like to feel heard and remembered, which means they’re more likely to be open with you.
7. “What question do you wish someone would ask you right now?”
I wish people would ask me this question. So, I started asking others. It gives people a chance to talk about what they actually want to talk about (and not just answer random, meaningless questions). Once, someone said they wished someone would ask what inspired their latest painting. Turns out, it came from a dream the person couldn’t shake. Another time, a friend of an acquaintance said she wished someone would ask, “How did you end up on the news?” So I asked. Let’s just say it involved her being chased by a deer. It’s proof that asking better questions leads to better conversations.
More from Sisters
Self Care
Entertainment
Relationships
More for you, from AARP
We are a community from AARP. Discover more ways AARP can help you live well, navigate life, save money — and protect older Americans on issues that matter.